By: Roy Wang, LMHCA
Rejection.
What does this nine-letter word evoke in you the moment you read it? Does your face steel itself? Are your lips pursed tight? Or maybe your gut and chest have contracted in response to the fear of being unwanted?
These nonverbal responses to the idea of rejection are based on past experiences of rejection. Perhaps it was a painful experience of being rejected by someone you had a crush on or having one of your creative ideas be shot down by a friend or a coworker. Or maybe it came from repeated experiences of feeling you existed among others, but never belonged anywhere. From those experiences, you came away with a story to make sense of that awful feeling you had in your body: “I’m not enough. Something about me is flawed. Why else would they reject me? Ignore me?” This story became ingrained in your consciousness and you vowed to never allow yourself to experience the pain of rejection ever again. You learned to cautiously navigate the currents of life to avoid ever touching this wound.
However, as the years passed, you began to notice a lack of color and vibrancy in your life. Things you do are rote, predictable, and safe… but also unbearably dull. Your vow to avoid rejection provided self-preservation, but cost you your creativity and life force. If you resonate with any of this, it may be a sign that a deep part of you wants to shed those outdated patterns of self-preservation and live more fully.
Rejection therapy is one of many ways to overcome the fear of rejection. The idea is to seek out rejection intentionally. While it may initially hurt and feel awful, over time it loses its grip on you. As told in the following TED talk, there can even be room for humor and playfulness in working with rejection. Life eventually becomes a playground instead of a field of tripwires and landmines.
An important thing to pay attention to as you practice exposing yourself to rejection is paying attention to what story you are spinning about yourself in the face of rejection. Suppose you ask a stranger to give you directions and they respond, “Just use Google Maps, why you gotta ask me!?” Are you saying to yourself, “I knew I shouldn’t have asked. Probably thinks I’m a nuisance. Ughh, this sucks!” That’s one possible story. What if right before you asked the stranger for directions, they just had their car broken into and now they are going to have to file a police report, deal with a broken car window, and have lost important documents stolen from their glove box? Oh, and on top of that, they won’t be able to make it into work today and will likely lose their job because they were already on probation for missing work frequently in the past. Does this change your perspective? Or are you still attached to the story about how much of a nuisance you think you are?
The fear and stories we are telling are all in our head. More often than not, we are our biggest roadblock. We shoot ourselves in the foot and say, “I’m looking out for you.” Over time, we have come to fear acceptance more than we fear rejection. If this is something you are tired of living with, risk confronting your fear of rejection. Take your time with it and keep a log of your experiences. You’ll eventually find that there has been someone behind the curtains pulling the strings and running the script of fear. Others may “reject” you, but you are the one who decides whether or not to agree. The only person who can truly reject you, is you.
Roy Wang is a therapist who works with individuals and groups at Greenlake Wellness Group. His work centers around men’s issues, grief, depression, and isolation. Contact roy@greenlakewellness.com to learn more about his current availability and group work.